now what?

I have no idea what I’m doing.

I’ve really had no clue from the start. I’ve been an artist my whole life but I never really thought I was any good…. in fact, I almost threw away all of my drawings and paintings from high school (I’m glad I didn’t). I started out at a community college taking general education classes and a few art classes here and there. One semester I took a basic web design class. We learned how to use Microsoft Frontpage… no html or css involved. It was like a drag and drop kind of thing. Even though I was horrible at it, I liked designing the pages. This is when I decided I wanted to be a graphic designer. I had no clue what that meant. I just thought it would be a good way for me to combine two of my favorite things. Art and computers.

It wasn’t until I transferred to a University, when I realized what graphic design involved. My student adviser was also my primary teacher and she fell short of my expectations in so many different ways. I craved a mentor, someone to teach me and show me the ropes. Instead I got an imposter. She seemed to have almost everyone fooled because she knew how to act like she was in charge and she knew the text books. But she didn’t fool me. She is the biggest hypocrite I have ever met and if there is one thing I don’t have any tolerance for, it’s hypocrites. We didn’t get along because I refused to humor her. She didn’t want me thinking that I had any talent, so she always kept me “beneath her”.

In order to grow as an artist I had to take things into my own hands and I became a tutorial junkie. She didn’t like me using photoshop. When I first started using photoshop, I did some illustrations and I was very proud of them…  when I showed them to her she said “Did you use photoshop or illustrator?” I said “photoshop…” and she said, in the most condescending tone “okay.. you need to STOP that.” At the time I was confused because everything I learned was from tutorials. Which meant, if I was doing it wrong… so was everyone else. I’ve learned a lot more about photoshop and illustrator in the past few years… and what she said continues to ring in my head. It was an indication of things to come, I had no idea what I was in for.

But it’s over now, I never have to see her again. I don’t think I am fully prepared to enter the workforce… so I am just going to keep learning and producing. There is so much I want to learn, I feel overwhelmed. I have to remind myself to take things one day at a time.

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