I’m feeling very melancholy tonight and I’m not sure why. Sometimes I think my personality has a way of not letting me not be happy… I realize that I am not like most people and for a while I was confused about who I was as a person. I guess that happens to young adults when they enter a world of pressure and responsibility. I’ve always said that it was a curse and a blessing to have a mind that analyzes others behavior because it can make me go crazy but at the same time I can learn from peoples mistakes, so I don’t have to make them on my own. I try not to judge people but I know when they are lying and being dramatic and I know when they are pretending to be someone else, when they are trying to be impressive. I know it’s not easy being comfortable just being yourself but sometimes I just want to shake the truth out of them. The truth is so much easier to deal with. And it’s even harder when I am the only one who can see other peoples truths, even when they try to cover it up.
It seems like most people wear a shell and it scares me… Because I don’t know how to respond, I am not capable of humoring them. I cannot be a hypocrite. So most people look at me as if I am dry, unenthused, and probably stuck up. If I can’t change this, then I am going to have a lot of problems socializing with people in necessary situations… Like work, or family gatherings.
I’ve been reading the book “The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World” by Marti Olsen Laney Psy.D. It’s helped me to come to terms with the way I am. I haven’t read it all yet but so for I think I am the definition of Introverted. I’m hoping it will help me to cope with social situations. My happiness is very important to me but how can I be happy if I am disappointing people or if I don’t get a job I want because I am not enthusiastic enough. Why can’t I just have all the answers? Why do I have to wonder about the future all the time?